Saturday,November,7, 2009. 2:45 A.M

I'm breaking under...everything.
School,friends,family, pressure. I can't take much more of it I'm at wits end. I've taken a week off from school because of depression alone and that was just a random onset.

Listening to peoples problems and trying to help, it's running my resources on empty. I used to be who everyone came to, the one who was supposed to solve it all, now when someone comes to me with a problem I can only nod and say I'm sorry.

I feel so useless. My grades are slipping, like that's new, I can't focus, can't keep up with the work, can't keep up with the problems the math the history, I've already been held back twice in algebra, it's just so hard, it makes me feel so stupid, I can't even do a simple fraction.

My freinds, are perhaps the biggest source of pressure I have. Always expecting something, doesn't matter what. Always asking for help even if I don't know what to do, it should be flattering but it just makes me feel even worse. I'm falling so far behind in everything, my work is getting away from me.

My own brother just now is trying to confide in me, but I can't do anything about it, but listen and constantly tell him I'm sorry, I don't know what to do, I can't think of what to say, I can't pour out my own problems to him he has his own, I know he's said he'd be there for me but he's having a break down right now so he needs to be able to talk to me and get it out.

But I'm having a breakdown too...who do I go to...

I'm slipping farther and farther into depression, and even farther into insanity. Feeling useless and like I'll never amount to anything, being taunted by what's not even there, every time I turn around something moves but there's nothing there, not to anyone else at least. In the hallways there are always figures, sometimes voices, sometimes they're nice but sometimes they scare me...Most of the time they scare me...

I'm losing trust in everyone, I feel like I can't fully put faith in anyone anymore, not even my family, it scares me, thinking consantly I'm going to be thrown out, or that they don't really love me.

That's the thought I get most...do they really love me? Or are they acting like actors in a play, do they really care or are they just saying they do to please me...I think constantly that they don't love me, not even big brother though he says it so often, I'm scared he's just pretending, and that he's using me, that they're all using me, and that when they get what they want, they'll leave...

The thought of suicide crosses my mind often.

Big brother just told me he loved me...I wish he hadn't...